Diary of a Fish
by royal secrets
Summary: Kisame is given a diary to help vent his problems with Itachi. Get an inside look at Akatsuki life. Crack fic. Doesn't follow the canon timeline.
1. end of April

**Disclaimer: i own nothing.**

**A/N: this fic will continue indefinitely i'll update when i can.**

**Tuesday April 15.**

Hi diary, it's your sharky friend Kisame. I've never had a diary before so I'm not sure what to write. Kakuzu just gave me this diary, he said something about dealing with the uchiha brat. That's really all that happened today.

**Wednesday April 16i**Everone in the base is being really nice to me today...they keep apologizing and talking about Itachi. I think i missed something, last time i checked he was out on a mission...i wonder if he died. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

**Thursday April 17**

Thankfully Itachi came back to the base this morning, he's been acting strange though. When i asked him about his mission he just whispered " I lost my duckling to that stupid snake..." and walked away.

**Friday April 18**

I decided to ask Konan what happened with Itachi today. She says he had a mental lapse and thinks his brother has just left Konohagakure. She says I should be carefull with him and he will get better. Maybe i should get him a get well gift.

**Saturday April 19**

Today i gave Itachi his gift, he hasn't moved since then. I thought a stuffed duck Would replace the duck he lost. I bet he's so happy to have a new one that he's in shock. I'm such a good partner!

**Sunday April 20**

Itachi-san is still in shock about the duck...maybe it was bad to Sew an uchiha symbol on it...and give it sasukes hair. I also may have given it one of those pull-strings that makes it say "nii-san."

**Monday April 21**

I think Itachi has died, he hasn't moved since he saw the duck. In other news I don't think Zetsu's been fed in a while... he tried to eat tobi today. Sadly the little moron got away.

**Tuesday April 22**

Itachi has finally woken up but he's still really messed up. When he came to he decided to go to Konoha in search of Sasuke. He seems to think he can walk into the village and ask about Sasuke, and they'll tell him everything. Also tobi seems to be missing and zetsu seems less hungry than yesterday. I doubt there's a connection.

**Wednesday April 23**

Deidara is unnaturally excited at the thought of tobi being eaten. He won't stop smiling and it's kind of scaring me. I wonder if leader will hire a replacement...I hope so. Itachi is still out, he probably got caught or killed by some konoha brats.

**Thursday April 24**

Sasuke visited the base today! He said he had a question for Itachi about reviving the clan. Apparently Itachi's not back yet so Sasuke and I just hung out. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

** Friday April 25**

Itachi arrived back at the base today and he brought home a pet too. A small blonde boy with whiskers on his face. He is keeping it tied up in the basement for now. In other news We've been hearing giggling around the base lately. Hidan, deidara and I are convinced it's tobi's ghost.

**Saturday April 26**

As it turns out the giggling was just the beginning of it. When we got up this morning we found the kitchen stocked with only orange lollipops. Tobi is definitely haunting us. Now Sasori is on a sugar high. He keeps running around screaming "pledge, I need pledge!" I think he's addicted to the stuff, stupid puppet.

**Sunday April 27**

Sasori is still eating those stupid lollipops and Kakuzu won't buy him any pledge. Itachi has also named the blonde child 'Fred' and requested kakuzu buy dog kibble for it. He's given Fred my bed and forced me to sleep on the floor. Now I know what kakuzu meant by 'dealing with the uchiha brat'

**Monday April 28**

Leader has hired a new memner to replace tobi. I have requested that he switch our partners so I get tbe new guy...he's considering it. Tobi's ghost is causing mayhem, he scribbled 'tobi is a good boy' on the walls in orange crayon. Leader is now considering moving bases. I think we should have some kind of exorcism... tobi's ghost is scary.

**Tuesday April 29**

So it turns out tobi just had a jutsu put on him to make him invisible...probably by deidara. He was trying to tell us, but apparently he can only spell tobi is a good boy. As for the lollipops he says he doesn't know.

**Wednesday April 30**

The new member arrived today and was immediately fired. His name is Genma. I've decided I will allow him to stay with me in the house i plan to build in the back yard. Sasuke will also be allowed to stay there. I will start work on this house tomorrow.

**A/N: thanks for reading I'll try to update often. No I didn't give up my other fic already I just have to get around to it. Review please and thanks.**


	2. preparing for war

**A/N: I will try to do all the days of the month but i might skip a few.**

**Thursday May 1**

I have officially broken ground on fort Kisame, Genma is helping me build it. We are sure it will be done by the end of the month. I have decided to Keep this a secret from leader until it's finished.

**Friday May 2**

I have decided to quit the akatsuki and form my own organization. I am considering a few names for said organization. I'll either call it team Kisame, the sharks or Super Awesome Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark Force Of Total Coolish Amazingness. That last one will be abbreviated as S.A.T.M.N.S.F.O.T.C.A.

**Saturday May 3**

I have decided on a name for my organization drum roll please... S.A.T.M.N.S.F.O.T.C.A. Some Akatsuki members have noticed the construction out back. Konan is taking bets on how long it will take leader to notice, my money is on never.

**Sunday May 4**

Leader still hasn't seen the construction. We've hired some genin from konoha to do the work for us, but I'm thinking of firing them. One of them is constantly talking about being the 7th hokage, and another can't even wipe his nose. If it continues this way I will have to hire someone else.

**Monday May 5**

I'm beginning to wonder why pein is our leader. A shinobi who can't even see construction in his own backyard is no leader. Just another good reason to quit. Also hidan has been trying not to swear all day, it's pretty hilarious actually.

_Hey Kisame. Yeah I'm writing in your diary, it's hidan and I just want to say: shut up you stupid f-um f-no, uh, f-f-FISH. Yeah you're a fish._

**Tuesday May 6**

Apparently I need to hide my diary better. And I swear, the next yime someone calls me a fish they will face the full wrath of the s.a.t.m.n.s.f.o.t.a! I am NOT a fish i am a SHARK! Also Itachi has kicked me out of our room so I'm currently staying at Orochimaru's base. It's safe to say I won't be sleeping any time soon.

**Wednesday May 7**

Orochimaru has been following me around all day. I think we should go live somewhere else, Sasuke can't sleep due to nightmares. Genma is just a little freaked out, turns out he's afraid of snakes. And I can't figure out why orochimaru is alive. I thought Sasuke killed him...

**Thursday May 8**

As it turns out orochimaru was just a fangirl in disguise. She has also joined the s.a.t.m.n.s.f.o.t.c.a. she claims her last name is hoshigaki...maybe we're related. I have decided to move back home to kirigakure, I'm sure my mom will let us stay with her.

**Friday May 9**

Not much happened today. We just walked. We will be summoning one of Sasukes snakes to carry us while we sleep. We can't waste any time.

**Saturday May 10**

We arrived at my mom's house today but she wouldn't let me in unless I had brought a woman. I was going to leave but tbe fangirl insisted that she was my girlfriend. When I tried to disagree she punched me so hard I flew through the wall into the neighbors house.

**Sunday May 11**

My moms neighbors are moving out so we decided to take over their house as our kiri base. My mom can cook for us and do our house work while we plan akatsuki's downfall. Now we need a base in konoha. We will leave tonight.

**Monday May 12**

Sasuke has taught us a teleportation jutsu so we made it to konoha quickly. We have taken an empty apartment. It's odd that there are photos of itachi's pet genin, fred on the walls. The good news is that the place is stocked with ramen. We will stay here for the remainder of the month.

**Tuesday May 13**

Some pink haired girl showed up today looking for the kyuubi boy. I informed her that she had the wrong address because he never lived here. The only occupants were fred and us. Stupid girl. When Sasuke saw her out the window he girlishly screamed "hide me!" So I invited her to join us, she declined due to a quest to find her teammates.

**Wednesday May 14**

Sasuke is hiding in his room with the doir barricaded so the pink girl can't find him. Apparently the great uchiha Sasuke is as wimpy as his brother. I'm going to tell him this so he will man up.

**Thursday May 15**

Sasuke has killed the pink girl. We may have to leave konoha early now.

-Is that man enough for ya? Stupid fish!

Sasuke stop writing in my diary. And for calling me a fish you will be cleaning the base for the next month.

**Friday May 16**

We are now looking for new members. We will need reinforcements to protect fort kisame. I have put out an add across the village. Also we hid the body and told everyone the pink girl ran away.

**Saturday May 17**

We have recruited some new members. Izumo and Kotetsu who say they don't get much screen time. We also got the ramen girl, ayame. But the best one so far is hatake kakashi, who is sick of having his team members run away...or die.

**Sunday May 18**

I got a letter from hidan who is also a member of my organization. He says the construction is going well and we can move in by the end of the month. Pein still hasn't know about it. Also hidans language seems to be very clean, he only swore twice.

**Monday May** 19

I now have enough members to protect my base. To put things in perspective here is a list:

Hoshigaki kisame

Uchiha sasuke

Hatake kakashi

Hidan

Izumo & Kotetsu

Genma

Hoshigaki fangirl

Rock lee (we told him he wouldn't get picked on for his fashion sense)

**Monday May 26**

Nothing has happened in days we've all been getting to know eachother. We did trust falls and told secrets and did eachothers hair and even had a pillow fight. Now that we all get along we can officially move back to the base.

**Tuesday May 27**

We teleported here. I wish we hadn't. Itachi has formed his own team. They are called team hn which consists of itachi, tobi, fred, itachi's fangirl, hinata ( chasing fred), orochimaru (still not dead), and the sand girl temari with her brother kankuro.

**Wednesday May 28 **

Tensions are high between the three teams. Pein has finally noticed the mansions in the yard and is preparing to attack us. We are also worried about deidara, he has built a giant clay drill to drive to the center of the earth. I think he will blow it up.

**Thursday May 29**

Deidara has begun drilling today. The world will end soon. If this is it I want hoshigaki fangirl to know that-wait never mind. Deidara just drilled up through my floor. Pein hired him to blow the place up.

**Friday May 30**

Apparently dei's bomb was a dud. Fort kisame is still intact. Sadly we are under attack bu team hn now. This is going to be a long dirty war.

**Saturday May 31**

The war is over! Team kisame has won. This morning team hn had a mutiny and the new leader raised the white flag. Well actually it was orochimarus underwear but who cares. Thats why they call us the Super Awesome Teenage Mutant Ninja Shark Force Of Total Coolish Amazingness.

**A/N: that chapter took forever to write so you better enjoy it. Next one might be up this weekend, we'll see.**


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